Someday soon, you may run into a colleague, a casual acquaintance, or even a stranger, and be greeted with, “Hey, how’s it going?” I have encountered this situation hundreds of times, and I have created a guide for you. Here are eight possible responses that can work.
Option 1: “Hello!” This option publicly acknowledges what is already tacitly understood in most of these situations: the question is perfunctory, and the asker is not particularly invested in how it [your day, your life, the economy, your progress on your New Year’s resolutions?] is going. If you simply respond with a generic greeting, they will hardly notice that their question went unanswered, unless they are unusually earnest.
Option 2: “Not bad for a Monday, haha.” This is a good option if you are being greeted on a Monday. It informs the greeter that, unlike the average person, you don’t particularly like Mondays. This is one of the most interesting traits of the famous cartoon cat Garfield, and there is nothing stopping you from making it a central part of your personality.
Option 3: “Hey, what’s up?!” This is also known as the “Let me answer that by asking you this” option. It signals that you either consider the original question to be rhetorical, or that you weren’t really listening. Fortunately, they are likely not listening to your response, either. No harm done.
Option 4: “Hardly working!” This is better employed as a response to, “Working hard or hardly working?” but don’t let that stop you!
Option 5: “Can’t complain!” This is a lie, but it is still a nice thing to say. This response injects a hint of optimism into the atmosphere, and your partner in small talk will be grateful.
Option 6: “Just counting down the hours until the weekend!” Employ this any time after noon on a Wednesday. Much like Option 2, this lets your acquaintance know that you are a member of the rare class of people that enjoys weekends. If you are lucky, they might also like weekends, and you can enjoy a brief time of meaingful bonding over a shared interest.
Option 7: “I’m on the right side of the dirt.” This is a real sentence I heard a real elderly gentleman say in a real diner, and I thought it was a nice piece of business - a great alternative to the overused “I’m alive.” This response is most effective if you are not deceased, but past retirement age.
Option 8: Give a detailed and honest accounting of how your day is going. I do not recommend this for most situations but use your best judgment.
Good luck!
The phrase “a nice piece of business” goes so hard. It itself is a nice piece of business I suppose.
If you want to research this topic more deeply, I recommend talking to a grocery store clerk, who has this interaction approximately 72 times per day. For example, another favorite among the past-retirement-age-but-not-dead-yet generation is "finer than a frog hair split four ways." But oh, the terror that descends when a poor lonely customer chooses option #8 while the line piles up behind them.